2021 I felt..............

So much love,
So much gratitude,
So much learning,
So much tears,

So much laughter,
So much faith,
So much trust,
So much patience,
So much risk-taking,

So much self-reflection,
So much cultivation &
So much more.

It's been a long time since I posted something in this platform. Life has been busy lately that I never got a chance to write something. Well it is the year ender and I have a lot of feelings about it.

It was a year of highs and lows, a year of growth and a year of unlocking potential. Since the lockdown I have learned to appreciate life even more. I valued relationships and have taken a plunge to follow what my heart truly desires. Although things didn't always go my way but it was a humbling experience to fail and rise above it.

This year, I lost an uncle to Covid and it broke my heart. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to him but it also opened an opportunity for my family to come together and reconnect. Of course it was sad that we waited for something bad to happen for us to work on our relationship with one another but I felt like it somehow allowed me to reflect upon how short life is and every opportunity shouldn't be taken for granted.

Over the years, I was afraid of taking some risks. I was afraid to fail and not succeed. I was afraid to try new things because it may not work out and I will be very devastated of the results. But I look deeper into myself and decided to put that fear behind me and start living life as it should be. No matter which angle I look, risks will always be a part of my life and it is up to me as to how I handle it. That is why 2021 was a year of saying YES. It was the year where I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.

In 2021, I invested on my health. I maintained my line of communication with close friends and family. I revisited a painful experience of the past and learned to slowly get back to it (dancing-- this deserves another entry). I hiked Angel's landing which tested my physical strength. I entered the world of social selling to have a sustainable income. I gained new friendships which I'm grateful for. I got the 'Rona and by God's grace I was healed. I celebrated my 3rd year in Nashville. And most of all, I have learned to give myself grace.

As we enter a new year, I challenged myself to be INTENTIONAL in all aspects of my life. I choose a word of the year because it helps me bring focus and direction as to what I want to achieve. I want to be intentional with my finances, my marriage, my relationships, health and myself. I want to live purposefully and I want meaningful experiences that will allow me to grow as a wife, sister, friend and business owner. 

How did your year go? Whether 2021 was successful, not that great or you’ve spent it taking one day at a time, be proud of yourself. The last two years have been unpredictable and full of uncertainty, yet here you are. Make the best of what you can.

Blessed,

Charmaine

What's good, 2020?

Oh boy, what a significant year. One for the books I would say. 2020 will always be part of history.

I personally started this year with a big mantra, "Get your 2020 vision on!" I always have this feeling of renewed hope and energy every new year most especially that this year we were entering a beginning of a decade. I wrote down some big, bold goals that I want to achieve by the end of the year. It will serve as my guide and my motivation as the year progresses. I had a bag full of optimism that everything will carry out as planned. Apparently, the universe had it the other way. Who would have thought that we will be facing a world crisis that will put everything on hold? Nobody saw it coming. No one was prepared for it. No one was even exempted. Hearts were crushed. Things got blurred. We got stuck. I got stuck. But as what they say, life must go on, right?

As I reflect upon what's good in 2020, there are only a few things I can enumerate but I want to dig deeper because first and foremost, I am blessed to be alive (and if you're reading this, you are blessed too). One of the major realizations that really hit me during this pandemic are the things that I have taken for granted.

By being present. As many of you know, my family is in New York and there was not one single moment that I don't think about their safety. The idea of one them contracting the virus terrifies me and I cannot even fathom the news about not being able to see them if something happens. It would break my heart to pieces. So now, if neither my mom or dad calls me, I try to pick up the phone and chat with them. I set aside my annoyance and just take a moment to update them with what's going on with my life. It helped deepen my relationship with them. This goes out to our friends too, to whom we haven't reached out for a long time. We can't rely on their social media to know how they're doing. Go out of your way to connect again because I think that is what the world needs right now, human connection. Also, our presence is our casual way of expressing love. So find the time to be there for your loved ones when you can. 

God is in control. When the year started I already mapped out all of the plans that I wanted to achieve-- the places I want to travel, start my cooking business, save money, lose weight, etc... Fast forward, all of the things mentioned are still up in the air and who knows when will this come to life. I complained. I got angry. I felt defeated because things were not going the way I wanted it to be. As someone who likes to plan things out, this was a nightmare. I felt stuck. Nobody really saw this coming but I was reminded of God's love and grace. He got this in control and I just needed to surrender to Him my worries and my desires. I may not understand His purpose but I know that He is continuously working through you and me. This pandemic has earnestly allowed me to keep trusting Him. Maybe I needed to work on with myself, to be more patient and to use this time to self-reflect. I believe that when we trust God for our provision, our guidance, and our purpose, we find rest.

Be grateful. During this crazy times, life has been ultimately challenging. It's hard to see the good of the current situation we are in. We sometimes obsessed ourselves with the what ifs and I don't blame you. Something can emerge out of nowhere like Covid-19 and it has affected everybody. It is in our human nature to worry. In order to lessen that anxiety, try to practice gratefulness. It somehow helped me divert my attention to what matters at this very moment. I know some people that are going through major hardships more than I did and my heart breaks for them. That is why, I consider every waking day as a blessing. I am alive and I am able to witness God's beautiful creation. I remind myself of the small victories that I get to enjoy and just cultivate a grateful heart. I've read this somewhere and it rings true to me, "Raising your gratitude game can make you feel happier even during these unsettled times."

Time is of the essence. When we used to complain about not being able to do something before due to our hectic schedule, now is the time to seriously fulfill those desires. Since this pandemic is still a long winding road, we might as well use this as opportunity to better ourselves. Find that drive to improve your health, fix your relationships, look into your finances, take up lost hobbies and be reacquainted with your core values. I have personally taken this chance to get to know myself again, learn a skill or two and embrace contentment with what I have. I'm working on being a good wife, a loving daughter and a dependable sister and friend. All we have is now, so make use of it. 

2020 will never be forgotten. We will remember the battle scars this year has brought us. We can't bring back the lost times but we can definitely switch things around and make the most of what we can. We always have a choice on how we can alter the ending of this year. Besides, we grow through what we go through. Love and prayers to y'all! 

2019 in a Nutshell

**Disclaimer: This post was meant to be published before the year ended but I was caught up with a lot of stuff. Better late than never! Happy New Year!

January

My 1st month in Nashville was a little sentimental. I was missing home a whole lot. I missed having my family and friends around. I'm thankful for technology though because I got to Facetime most of them especially my nephew. But on the later part, I also enjoyed my time just resting and slowing down. I realized that I was always on the move for the past years and didn't get a chance to just pause and breathe. I was also blessed to land a job very quickly.

February

We started to explore what Nashville has to offer, and so far I'm very happy that we have the access to do nature tripping. We don't need to drive very far to be able to do it. I said to myself beginning of the year that I will try new things, explore new heights and so here I am venturing out indoor wall climbing. I must say I need to work on my upper body strength. Phew! Also, in Feb, Nelson turned 33 and we had some of his workmates come to our apartment and I was able to cook for them. (Side note: I love it when I get to host a luncheon.)

March

Miggy turned 1 and I got the chance to fly back to New York and celebrate with the family. I was also able to see some friends and man, it felt so good to be surrounded with some familiar faces. The food trips which I apparently plan due to the limited food options in Nash, the life updates, the laughs and everything else, I was silently capturing it to my most cherished moments. I also realized from this trip that the Big Apple will always be part of my fiber but it is time to put that behind because I can't keep up with the hustle anymore.

April

New found friends. I am beyond grateful for finding new sisterhood to nurture. The very first thing that I did upon moving was to check the catholic community in Nashville. I was hopping from one church to another until I associated myself with a young adult community where I was able to meet these lovely ladies. (Pro tip: You really need to put yourself out there.)

May

Nelson and I decided to do a road trip and celebrate our 2nd anniversary in NOLA. The 20 hour drive back and forth was worth it. We enjoyed the French culture, food and all the jazz. This is a place worth visiting, it's really out of the ordinary.

June

I got a chance to meet with Nelson's high school buddies in Tampa, FL. It was fun to see him with them as they were going back memory lane of all the crazy adventures they did together. Of course, what is a Florida trip without going to the beach right? Even if the weather was not cooperating, it didn't stop us from taking a plunge. I was ecstatic to meet up with cousin who lives there now. By the end of the month, my siblings came to see us in Nashville. It was a happy reunion. Back story though, during their visit, Nashville experience a state wide blackout due to weather conditions and it's been years since I experienced such. One for the books! 

July

This has been the hottest summer according to some folks. A record breaking of 100F temperature was hitting Nashville. In order to cool off, we have checked out some bodies of water around us. Luckily, we are surrounded by lakes and waterfalls that are in close proximity to us. I still prefer the beach but I'll take what's available.

August

There was a major change at work that led to a bittersweet goodbye. I'm still thankful for the change because it allowed me to do some thinking and solo traveling. I went to San Antonio to visit my good friend, Angie and her family. It was a week long of life updates and future goals. I also got a chance to meet their baby, Charley. I thank the Freemans for the time well spent and most especially for bringing me to Magnolia Market in Waco, TX. On the other hand, I flew to New York to surprise my parents. I pulled it off with the help of my siblings. It was such a great feeling to be home, to be with my nephew, to eat some home cooked Filipino food, to meet up with some friends, to be in the beach and to make new memories. One thing is for sure, New York will always hold a special place in my heart and I will and always be forever grateful of the life lessons it has taught me.

September

I came back to Nashville recharged. I also started with a new work opportunity which I'm so grateful for. God really works in mysterious ways. I have so many doubts and questions but of course, He has answered me and assured me once again that His plans are greater than mine. Just like the waterfalls, He will continue to be the source of strength, hope and abundance.

October

This year, I'm so grateful for the new found friendships. The beginning of 2019 was a little bumpy. I was homesick, lonely and sad but I was given an opportunity to meet these wonderful ladies. I feel loved and appreciated by all of them. I continue to pray for this God centered sisterhood and to remind myself that there are no coincidences in life but only divine appointments.

November

We spent some time to be with Nelson's family in Florida as we celebrate his sister's pregnancy. I also got a chance to meet some of his siblings for the first time. Bigger family, the better! Also, this  month is so special and will be cherished forever because I gave my sweet YES to my best friend.

December

Turned 30, got married= a double check on my bucket list. But seriously, God has truly graced me with so much favors this 2019. I have reached a new milestone, married the love of my life and celebrated my first anniversary in my new home. I'm so thankful for the many blessings I have received. Time and again, God has reminded me that His plans are better than mine and He for sure listens to our prayers. 

I bid goodbye to 2019 with a grateful heart. It has been a wonderful year for me. It is in my prayer that as I embark the new year, I will be able to put into actions the lesson all I've learned and to try to always have an open mind and heart for the new challenges that will come my way. 2020, I'm so looking forward for you! Lezz do this! #Roaringtwenties

Upward Venture

Are you passionate about something and you really really want to make it happen? But every time you're set of "trying" it out, you already have millions of reason to back out? Your mind is already filled with negative thoughts and discouragement gets ahead of you. There's also that feeling that everyone else is progressing except you. We struggle in figuring out what we're meant to be and we can't seem to make that leap.

My friend, you are not alone. We are on the same boat. It's everybody's life struggle. Although I have learn that in order to get things done, you simply need to begin. It's a very powerful phrase indeed and here I am hoping to venture out. 

As some of you are well aware, I love to cook. I don't know when or how it all started but I'm very comfortable in the kitchen. I cook by experience meaning I try to replicate a dish by how I remember it when I first tasted it. That is why, I fancy eating at different restaurants and enjoy every minute of it. Watching a lot of cooking shows helped me improve my skill set too. I'm learning different kitchen terms and new techniques.

In my family, both my parents cook but most of the time my dad often prepares our meal. Even without following a recipe, my dad can  make most of those meals taste delicious. I would probably say that he kind of inspired me to get into cooking. Now, I spend some ample time in planning and making meals. Being in the kitchen is my way of relieving stress. It also allows me to express creativity by experimenting new flavor profile or by simply trying out seasonal ingredients. I also get to feed the people I care about and it feels great when I'm complimented that they've enjoyed what I prepared for them.

As I think about my future plans, I have given a serious thought of pursuing a culinary career but at this point, it's not yet feasible. I'm starting by getting a word out, in the most logical way nowadays through social media. I've created an Instagram handle where I can personally showcase the food that I've made from my own kitchen. A good friend of mine helped me in coming up with the name, it's Q'sina [Ku.si.na] which means kitchen in Filipino. I will be making different kind of cuisines but also sticking to some of favorite Filipino dishes. 

It's a baby step but who knows maybe one day I can make a gig out of this. So if there's something that you're passionate about and wants to pursue it, give it a go because honestly, there's no harm in trying.

A Powerhouse Prayer: Litany of Humility

"To be taken with love for a soul, God doesn't look on its greatness but on the greatness of its humility."- St. John of the Cross

I just want to share a very moving and powerful prayer with you. It's a prayer that cultivates humility and practices self-denial. The Litany of Humility was composed by Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val who served as the Secretary of State for Pope Pius X.
 
To be humble is to realize how weak we are, how helpless we are to change the course of our lives in our own power. We need to allow God to work in us and through us. We need to remember that God is God and we are not. Yes, we are imperfect, flawed and inadequate but if we come before Him, He will give us the grace to become more virtuous and loving. God doesn't demand us to be perfect but He simply ask us to accept His guidance so we can learn from our mistakes and grow in perfection. 

So if you are struggling with pride, self-centerdness, just remember this prayer:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,

 deliver me, Jesus. (Repeat after each following line)

From the desire of being loved…

From the desire of being extolled…

From the desire of being honored …

From the desire of being praised …

From the desire of being preferred to others…

From the desire of being consulted …

From the desire of being approved …

From the fear of being humiliated …

From the fear of being despised…

From the fear of suffering rebukes …

From the fear of being calumniated …

From the fear of being forgotten …

From the fear of being ridiculed …

From the fear of being wronged …

From the fear of being suspected …

That others may be loved more than I, 

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. (Repeat after each following line)

That others may be esteemed more than I …

That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease …

That others may be chosen and I set aside …

That others may be praised and I unnoticed …

That others may be preferred to me in everything..

That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

Amen.

The Road Rage Within Myself

Since I moved down south, I had no choice but to drive everywhere. It was a major adjustment on my end especially that I was so used of taking a public transportation. I rarely see people walk here unless you are on the tourist route.

Anyhow, I notice something about myself whenever I'm behind the wheel. A perfect example was today. It's Saturday morning and I had to go to work. On regular days, it will only take 20 minutes for me to get there. I am very familiar with which side roads to take, the traffic volume and even the co-drivers alongside. Today was different though because it's the weekend. I expected it to be less traffic and less chaotic. But guess what? It took 40 minutes to get to my destination because there was a heavy congestion along the highway. I wasn't having it and it made me very furious that I started screaming inside my car. I wanted to honk at everybody. What I finally figured out at the end wasn't the traffic, it was me, I became very impatient when there's no need to.

Long lines at the grocery, Netflix not loading, waiting for the train to arrive, taking turns in entering intersection are few things that drives us bananas. Although they are all situations where we can absolutely use a little extra patience. I understand that with time at premium, we are so used to having what we need immediately. We also resort in looking for shortcuts. (Hence, same-day delivery is now an option. Lol!) I think that most of us get so easily annoyed by the inconveniences of life. We just want to achieve our goals and see immediate results. With life full of dings and pings, how can we practice the virtue of patience?

Meditate (Pray)
As my road rage incident today, I took a step back, breathe and prayed. I offered that feeling of anger to God that He may be able to channel it differently. I think it is very important that we pause in moments of desolation and gather ourselves back again. Any form of meditation can help us calm our minds and bodies. Try to set a daily time to decompress.

Practice Gratitude
Take some time to notice and reflect upon the things you're thankful for. Appreciate every good thing in life and recognizing even the smallest blessing you've received. When we become grateful, we experience positive emotions and we can express compassion and kindness to the people around us and to the situation we are in.

Stop Resisting 
When we encounter unplanned inconveniences, let's take it calmly. Sure enough we can't control our  reaction but we can choose how to respond to the situation. Most often than not, it is our reaction to things that causes greater dose of stress in life. So let it all flow.

Embrace the Uncomfortable
When we experience something out of our comfort zone, there's a huge tendency that we become impatient. We always want to be in control of the situation but that's not always the case. We need to become comfortable with the uncomfortable in order to cultivate more patience.

As Saadi Shirazi said, "Have patience. All things are difficult before they become easy." Therefore, let's thrive to become better individuals because the more we exercise patience, the greater it becomes.

How do you deal with change?

A Greek philosopher once said that change is the only constant in life. He might be right because if you are to look back a year or two ago, your circumstances are probably different than your current situation now.

I know many of us have a love-hate relationship with change. When certain things are going great, we all want it to stay the same. We do our best to keep going, enjoying every moment of it. But life doesn't roll that way, sometimes it will go downhill. Change is unavoidable no matter how hard we try. 

A failed relationship, career transition, big move, death of a loved one are few things we cannot control, and most definitely will affect our entire being. Some people can cope well with it, but some will struggle. 

In my own personal view, all has changed about me except for one thing, my faith. It has been stronger than ever. I must admit that my life hasn't always been high. I have difficult moments, I struggled understanding my situation I’m in but my faith has seen me through it all, the good and the bad.

Indeed, I am grateful to my parents who pushed me to delve deeper to my faith. I used to complain a lot about going to early masses, the litany of long prayers before eating, before driving, etc. I never understood it before, I wish I could have skipped it. As I grew older, I realized that putting God first before anything else felt like I was off to a good start. There is a sense of comfort that no matter what was thrown at me, I am capable of overcoming it. God helps me navigate tough decisions and He grants me peace of mind. I must admit, Jesus mattered more today than He did yesterday. So, whatever comes my way, the curve balls, unexpected twists and turns, I know I can do it through Christ who strengthens me.

So how about you? How do you deal with change?

 

Friendship over the years

 

Circa San Francisco 2015

I think we are all familiar with the saying, "Collect and select." I have associated this line with dating and courtship. It is believed that a man or a woman would go out on a date with multiple individuals to be able to choose the best one at the end. Some may have different opinions about it and I'm just gonna leave it like that because what I'm trying to point out is that, this mentality also applies with our friendships.

I consider myself a very social person. I love to hang-out. I enjoy entertaining. I like to be surrounded with others.  I love to hear their stories and I also like to share my story. So over the years, I have met a lot of people from my childhood, high school, college, all my extra-curricular activities, abroad and in the present time. They represented all walks of life. They have somehow taught me a thing or two. Some of them I'm still friends with and some they were just a passerby. But among the many, which friends would probably stay for the years to come?

That is why, I came across with the idea of collect and select and as to how it has affected our friendship over time. The friendship we've built early on our lives might possibly not last. But it doesn't mean that those people were not important. In fact, they were once part of our lives and either one of you became that shoulder to cry on for that person and that will be a memory to cherish.

As human beings, our lives tend to drift apart and drifting apart is always a hard idea to accept but it's part of our reality. It could be a change of career path, moving out of state or just the average change of point of view. Then from there, we have the tendency to shed friends. It's a natural thing because we are going through the phenomenon of maturity and growth. The things we like together, our opinions, our lifestyle and our priorities would begin to differ. It's not that we dislike each other, we pretty much just move on. So just be ready to make new ones. It's scary I know. But we need to make that one step.

I read this from an article and it made me think hard because this is how I feel when it comes to my friends. 

"I cling to friends because they are like mementos, photographs, and diaries. Since I don't live with a built-in camcorder, an infinite supply of audiotape, my friends fill in the gaps and form a composite. Their recollections boil down to reality; their commentary boils down to perspective. I build on their remembrances to figure out who I am, where I was and when it really happened. Friends are my antidote to fading memory." -Bonnie Mcgrath

Such a beautiful reminder. Truth to be told, as I got older, I only share my most deepest intimacy, darkest secret and my crazy escapades to a few. I'm sure you have those selected ones who maintains that special place in your heart. However, for all those friendships we've built in our lifetime, somehow they have played a significant role in our lives whether we admit or not. They helped us become who we are now because “A friend is a person you decide you like, and then you choose to do stuff with them.” 

And truly, I am grateful for those who've stuck around. Who needs a lot when you only need a few good ones. 

Life is an Incredible Show

Disclaimer: This is NOT my piece but I like the wisdom of this passage.

Click here for the original. 

You may have flaws, live anxious, and sometimes get angry, but never forget that your life is the biggest company in the world. And you can keep it from going bankrupt.

There are many people who need, admire and cheer for you. I wish that you always remember that being happy is not having a sky without storms, paths without accidents, work without fatigue, relationships without disappointments.

 

Being happy is finding strength in forgiveness, hope in battles, security in fear, love in disagreements.

Being happy is not only appreciating the smiles, but reflecting on the sadness. It is not just celebrating the success, but also learning lessons in failures. Not only having joy in applause, but finding joy in anonymity.

Being happy is recognizing that life is worth living, despite all the challenges, misunderstandings and periods of crisis.

Being happy is no longer being a victim of the problems and becoming an author of history itself. It is crossing deserts outside of yourself, but being able to find an oasis in the secret of your soul. It is thanking God every morning for the miracle of life.

 

Being happy is not being afraid of your own feelings. It’s knowing how to talk to yourself.

It’s the courage to hear a “No” and be confident enough to receive criticism, although sometimes untrue.

Being happy is to let the child living within us to live free, happy and simple.

It is having the needed maturity to say “I was wrong”.

It is having the essential courage to say “forgive me”.

It is having the indispensable sensibility to say “I need you”.

It is being able to say “I love you”.

It is having the humility of receptivity.

I want life to be a hotbed of opportunities and that you be happy. And when you go astray, start again. This way, you will find that being happy is not having a perfect life, but using tears to irrigate tolerance. 

Using losses to refine patience.
Using failures to reach prayer.
Using obstacles to open the windows of intelligence.

Never give up hope.

Never give up the people you love.

Never give up on being happy, because life is a no-miss obstacle, even if it gives you dozens of reasons to demonstrate the contrary.

Hasta La Vista, New York!

My favorite view of NYC (Gantry Plaza Long Island City). And as the song goes, "if you can make it here you can make it anywhere."

It's been a month since I left the city of dreams. At first, I would never have imagined that I will be given a chance to live there. I've only heard about New York City from songs, I've only seen it through movies, read it from novels and fast forward 8 years I considered it my second home.

Summer time at Jacob Riis

I have a love/hate relationship with New York. You need to keep up with it-- the hustling and the bustling. It is as lively as it can be and there's tons of things to explore from Coney Island to the tip of Montauk and to the beautiful Niagara falls. There's always something to be excited about. My youthful years were full of first time experiences and I will not trade it for the world. But even with the hyped, there were moments where I just want to disappear from it because it was not always easy. 

TOUGHEN UP, You're up for a ride! Yes, you heard it right. In order for you to survive, you need to learn how to stand up for yourself. This is one of the things New York has taught me: "speak up lady because if not, they'll eat you alive" and I'm not kidding when I say that. From my past work experience, I was always the 'Yes' person, everything is okay, I can do it, etc... but they got me so good that for the last 3 years I gave them my all and accommodated to my boss' needs and what's left for me, exhaustion. So here's to saying, enough is enough, I did love my job but I also love myself.

Flowers bloom at Brooklyn Botanic Garden

The day to day hustle in New York is a struggle. You get to meet angry people on the street and they screamed for no reasons at all. You're stuck on the F train for as long as you can remember and what's worse, you're stuck and it's stinky. Instead of counting sheep you start counting rats until your train comes. You need to be physically prepared especially on a rush hour because everyone is pushing. There's always something happening and I must admit it, I'm missing the action. I missed the sound of the sirens, the honks, the chit-chatters, the lame and great performances in the subway, the food stands in every corner, the bodegas, the city itself and it's nooks. In contrary, what I don't miss is how expensive the cost of living there. You really need to work your butt off to be at least comfortable.

Family Portrait at Dumbo, Brooklyn

 But being in New York with millions of people and with a list of things to do, it can also be quite lonely and isolating. It was difficult to get access to friendships because there was always a need of advance planning to get together. That's why, you would have to find your own person in this big city. A very important tip my friend, start making connections with others. Make use of the free activities around the city. Go out and meet like minded individuals where you can share your interests with. Find a solid community where you can practice your faith. Discover new places and you'll learn to enjoy the beauty of solitude. 

You are missed! xoxo, Cham

Personally, I'm beyond blessed to have my family and few close friends with me on my New York journey. It somehow made this entire ordeal easy. But I also commend those who were brave enough to hustle on their own-- you guys are the real troopers!

I can honestly say that living in New York is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It allowed me to come out from my conservative shell and see life evolved with my own two eyes. Things were not always easy, but I managed to juggle. I valued relationships more than ever, the blood and sweat of hard-earned income and a stronger belief of God's purpose for me. And with a happy and contented heart, I'm officially taking a break from my New York chapter.  Off to a new adventure!

Cut the Chase.... Live your dream!

East Hampton 2018 with Baby Girl.

Have you ever felt like you just drag yourself to work? That your heart is not in it anymore? I guess, it’s a sign to start assessing if whether or not you’re still happy with what your doing.

Let me share with you a brief background about me: I used to teach in preschool before I became a full-time childcare provider for a private family. My main responsibility is taking care of their daughter who is now 3years old. From being a tiny baby to a school girl, from changing diapers to hair braiding, from pushing stroller to taking public transportation, from puree food to gourmet servings, from sweet talks to bribing and a heap of things. You might possibly think I birthed this little angel. The only consolation I get at the end of day is the thought that I have planted a seed of goodness in this child’s heart and I hope that it will stay there forever.

But despite all of that, this job is not easy and it’s not for everyone. And hence, here I am trying to weigh what my options are in life. So I made these self-reflection questions:

1. Is work becoming a mere cycle of repetition? If we keep doing the same things over and over again there will come a time that we end up being sick of it. We start asking ourselves the purpose of our job. I for one is on the same boat as this. Mind you, 10+ hrs round the clock for almost 3 years, it gets super exhausting. We have a routine every single day although it varies but dealing with a child takes a lot of patience. It becomes very unpredictable— some mornings they’re the sweetest and most other mornings they turn into mini hulks. (Please read Boss Baby if you get a chance). What I do can’t be compared to any desk job because in a regular office, you at least know what you’re dealing with but for many of us, it’s like coming in a circus show, simultaneous stuff happens both at the same time. Tip: You need to find a different outlet for distraction. Balance your social life as much as possible. 
2. Are your efforts under appreciated? This one is very personal for me. I’m the kind of person that puts my heart in the things I do because I know for one I can always do more. I don’t feel good when I know that I’ve done something lousy. For bosses, your simple thank you goes a looooong way. We are not expecting anything extravagant but at least be sensitive with those magic words because at the end of the day, we are trying our best in making your work less stressful.
3. Do you still have what it takes to hustle? Remember the first time you started your job, there was that ecstatic feeling of excitement? You were always enthusiastic about so many things and yet over the years, you are spiraling down because you are underappreciated, work load is getting heavier and things just don’t seem to work anymore. You’re only doing what you’re supposed to do because you have to augment your needs. I’m currently feeling this, you’re physically present but you can no longer find your heart in it. I guess, this would be the best time to start moving on. It’s not healthy for you and you’re not helping the people you’re working for. Tip: Be honest.
4. Where do you see yourself in the next 5 to 10 years? It’s very important that we re-visit this question from time to time. We need to start thinking about the future: marriage, finances, security and the likes. Where I am right now is just a stepping stone of something bigger. Of course, it’s easier said than done. I have a good paying job but life is not just about that. I have to look beyond. I want to settle down one day and have my own family. I want to go back to school and earn a master’s degree. I want to pursue my hobby. I want to travel and see the world. So there’s a need for change and for that to happen, you need to take some risks. A friend once told me, if you don’t know where to start, just begin.

“That ache you feel might indeed be a kind of warning signal to yourself. Take it as motivation to push a little, before your groove becomes a rut.” I got that quote from NY times and it got me thinking really hard. So my friend, I guess it’s time to cut the chase and live your dream!

Trusting God: Should I Stay or Go?

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders; Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me; Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour”

As I look into the ocean, all I can ever think of is how vast God’s love for me. It’s beyond the peripheral of my vision, it’s inifinity. The sound of the wave, the breeze, the view makes my whole body be at peace at least for that single moment. I breathe God’s goodness.

Although in that instant, I can feel that there’s struggle within me. My mind says one thing and my heart says the opposite. Sometimes I can’t help but feel trapped within my own self. What should I do? Hence I pour my heart into prayer:

Dear God, You know all that is in my heart without me saying it. You are the maker of all things, of all that is good and beautiful. I just want to thank You for moments of stillness and reflection. Thank You for allowing me to rest in your presence. Thank You for the life you gave me. Thank You for the endless possibility to dream and live. Thank You for the provisions: good health, work, family, friends and instilling hope. Thank You for your continued mercy and love beyond measure.

But Lord, amidst all of it, I know it's not always sunshine and rainbows. And here I am, once again, puzzled and confused. I am currently in the dilemma of trying to figure out what I want. Should I stay or should I go? The choices I have will affect all that surrounds me and I just want the assurance that everything will be fine. I lack the ability to surrender, to trust and to let You take control. And so I always ask myself, "how many times have You outdone me?" A lot of times, so why do I worry? I know deep down that You are already taking care of me. I am certain that You will never leave me at a place where I cannot push through.

I guess Lord, what I'm trying to say here is that please continue to pour out Your grace upon me that in whatever road I will be taking You will be there with me. I also ask that you give me patience when things are not going right; to give me courage and strength to endure the roadblocks and setbacks; to humble me when I feel so proud and mighty; to use me as an instrument of Your goodness to those around me; to be fearless and bold in my faith; to be loving and forgiving; and to mold me to be the child You wanted me to be. I'm scared Lord to enter to an uncertain path but as what others would tell me, how would I know if I don't give it a try? How would I know if this is part of the plan you have for me? How would I know? I wouldn't!

But honestly Lord, if everything fails, I know YOU won't. You will remain the same: faithful and true. So I end this prayer of mine, offering You my heart's desires. Let Your will be done, my God, my Savior.

Moment of Desolation

Taken at St. Joseph Church, Fullerton.

Have you ever felt like crying for no reason but you know that there’s more to it? Like a song or a flashback of memories would just bring you to memory lane as to where have you been and what is going on now. From time to time, I would go through this down moments where I would just fall into my knees and cry my heart out. I would then start asking myself the question as to, “what am I exactly doing with my life?”

I take this occasion to go deeper and reconnect with God. I always believe this is when He just knocks me over because I have been very distant and selfish with my time with Him. And yes, I am charge guilty of that. I let my current feeling of ecstasy rule me over when in fact, He is behind the reason as to why I’m in bliss.

As I look back to the different circumstances of my life, I am where I am right now because He allowed it to happen. My family, my job, my friends, the love of my life, my victories and my failures are all part of His plans. But I failed to thank him, I failed to see Him and I failed to recognize His daily presence. And now, there’s this feeling of unworthiness and shame. Now it made sense as to why I feel empty even when things are going right. I lack Jesus.

But you know what, it’s never too late to seek Him because He is relentless, He never stops loving me despite of my shortcomings. He continues to pursue me even when I am running far away from Him. He never gets tired. I am grateful for this moment of desolation for it has given me a chance to rekindle that fire that He had sparked in my heart long before time. 

P.S. If you happen to be in the same boat as I am, I want you to listen to the song, Do It Again by Elevation Worship (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B_lnQIITxU). Truly, the lyrics spoke to me and hopefully it would to you too because He has never failed me yet. ♥

Grace Always Enter Our Wounds

For the past 2 years, I kept on asking God when will the pain stop? It was break-up after break-up. From failed relationships to hopeless life goals. I am so tired and sick of it. I think life has taken so much from me. 

But truth to be told, I am still here-- moving forward, fighting hard. And all of these are part of His plan.

So what are my take-aways from this experience?

Pain is inevitable. It's already part of life. No matter who you are, no one is excepted. I think what matters in this process is acknowledging the hardship you're going through. I guess that was my mistake. I tried to band aid the wounds because I just want a quick fix. But it didn't help because it just stayed as an open cut. I wished I could have cared more in taking care of the scab and allowed it to heal on its own. And now I am left with scars but it is an indication to where I've been.

Humility. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you're going through some gruesome experiences. I for one is known to be a strong soul, a lot of people draw courage from me and I have to be that person that they can depend on. But really, who do I run to if I need some tending? God. Only Him. Because as I humble myself and reveal my weakness, God actually pours out His grace in turning sorrows to joys. And indeed, He reminded me that our strength is made perfect in our weakness.

Solitude. You need to find yourself. I needed to heal. There's a difference between being lonely and the idea of being alone. I wanted to be by myself because I needed to be connected with me once again. I have lived by with JOY in my life (Jesus first; Others next; Yourself last). But what I failed to recognized is the fact that I have taken myself for granted, I have considered others first. I have given so much that I ended up not have anything to give anymore. So right now, I am relearning to embrace my individuality because loving yourself is the greatest revolution.

It's okay if you're not okay yet. Healing doesn't take place overnight, it's a slow process of recovery. Some people cannot understand why you have to distance yourself from your regular routine, why the "space" but what they don't realize is that every single day you are reminded of the little things, the familiar faces, the unexpected circumstances and most of all, they are not in my shoes. No matter how I tried to just moved on or just make a wish for it to just end, it will never be easy. Slowly and surely? Definitely.

Let go and let GOD. It's hard to throw away the things that mattered because they have been very valuable to my core. The experience, the friendship, the memories, etc... But I believe it's time to start in letting go of things that was damaged and just let God do the fixing. I was too busy trying to patch things up but as what the always say, time heals all wounds. It's about time that I need God to take control because He ultimately knows what's best even if it means I have to go through the eye of a needle.

So therefore, our life consists of different twists and turns and the most important thing is that we just keep on getting back up and continue living. Our fate would not always be in our favor but one thing is definitely sure, God would never give us more than we cannot handle. Take heart! ♥

breakups to BREAKTHROUGHS

Hello 2016!

I am welcoming you with high hopes that this year will be better. I said to myself that this will be the time where I will be making bolder choices in my life, exploring different possibilities and to embrace myself with God's pure love. 

The past year was tough. I went through different kinds of storm in my personal life. No matter how prepared I was, I wasn't exempted. I had to go through all of it and experience hassles, pains and sufferings. But going back to those moments, I said to myself, "This too shall past!" And yes, it did because I am still here and every single day I'm striving to become better.

I quit my job, April of 2015. It was a very hard decision but I have to do it because I wasn't happy anymore. I have learned from the past the it is important to put your self-sanity in the equation of your work because if I kept going and I was feeling miserable about it, I will be unfair to the people I was working with. I didn't find my purpose in the teaching field. Due to the many changes of the educational system, I felt like an odd rose sitting in the bunch of sunflowers. Of course that transition wasn't easy because it has affected my finances. But honestly, at that point I offered it all to God and I made a promise that from that day forward, I will be going to daily mass because I don't have any excuse not to go since I have the luxury of time.

Every single day, God unveils to me His message and that it to trust Him. Being jobless gave me a chance to reflect on what is happening in my life, and He pointed out to me that the state of my heart wasn't doing well too. God is funny like that, He would take everything from you because I think that is when we would experience our true selves. No doubt, my heart got broken and torn into little pieces. I didn't blame God neither my partner because I know that is what He wants from me, to experience this kind of break-up so that I will have the chance to breakthrough with HIM. 

My heart, my mind and my soul rests upon God and even if I am starting this year, healing, I know in His perfect time, I would experience that ultimate joy that I deserve. No hurt feelings, no negative thoughts only learning from the past I will carry with me. And if 2015 was stormy, 2016 will be a whirlwind of adventure. 

"We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of our Father's love for us. " -Divine Mercy