Cut the Chase.... Live your dream!

East Hampton 2018 with Baby Girl.

Have you ever felt like you just drag yourself to work? That your heart is not in it anymore? I guess, it’s a sign to start assessing if whether or not you’re still happy with what your doing.

Let me share with you a brief background about me: I used to teach in preschool before I became a full-time childcare provider for a private family. My main responsibility is taking care of their daughter who is now 3years old. From being a tiny baby to a school girl, from changing diapers to hair braiding, from pushing stroller to taking public transportation, from puree food to gourmet servings, from sweet talks to bribing and a heap of things. You might possibly think I birthed this little angel. The only consolation I get at the end of day is the thought that I have planted a seed of goodness in this child’s heart and I hope that it will stay there forever.

But despite all of that, this job is not easy and it’s not for everyone. And hence, here I am trying to weigh what my options are in life. So I made these self-reflection questions:

1. Is work becoming a mere cycle of repetition? If we keep doing the same things over and over again there will come a time that we end up being sick of it. We start asking ourselves the purpose of our job. I for one is on the same boat as this. Mind you, 10+ hrs round the clock for almost 3 years, it gets super exhausting. We have a routine every single day although it varies but dealing with a child takes a lot of patience. It becomes very unpredictable— some mornings they’re the sweetest and most other mornings they turn into mini hulks. (Please read Boss Baby if you get a chance). What I do can’t be compared to any desk job because in a regular office, you at least know what you’re dealing with but for many of us, it’s like coming in a circus show, simultaneous stuff happens both at the same time. Tip: You need to find a different outlet for distraction. Balance your social life as much as possible. 
2. Are your efforts under appreciated? This one is very personal for me. I’m the kind of person that puts my heart in the things I do because I know for one I can always do more. I don’t feel good when I know that I’ve done something lousy. For bosses, your simple thank you goes a looooong way. We are not expecting anything extravagant but at least be sensitive with those magic words because at the end of the day, we are trying our best in making your work less stressful.
3. Do you still have what it takes to hustle? Remember the first time you started your job, there was that ecstatic feeling of excitement? You were always enthusiastic about so many things and yet over the years, you are spiraling down because you are underappreciated, work load is getting heavier and things just don’t seem to work anymore. You’re only doing what you’re supposed to do because you have to augment your needs. I’m currently feeling this, you’re physically present but you can no longer find your heart in it. I guess, this would be the best time to start moving on. It’s not healthy for you and you’re not helping the people you’re working for. Tip: Be honest.
4. Where do you see yourself in the next 5 to 10 years? It’s very important that we re-visit this question from time to time. We need to start thinking about the future: marriage, finances, security and the likes. Where I am right now is just a stepping stone of something bigger. Of course, it’s easier said than done. I have a good paying job but life is not just about that. I have to look beyond. I want to settle down one day and have my own family. I want to go back to school and earn a master’s degree. I want to pursue my hobby. I want to travel and see the world. So there’s a need for change and for that to happen, you need to take some risks. A friend once told me, if you don’t know where to start, just begin.

“That ache you feel might indeed be a kind of warning signal to yourself. Take it as motivation to push a little, before your groove becomes a rut.” I got that quote from NY times and it got me thinking really hard. So my friend, I guess it’s time to cut the chase and live your dream!

Trusting God: Should I Stay or Go?

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders; Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me; Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour”

As I look into the ocean, all I can ever think of is how vast God’s love for me. It’s beyond the peripheral of my vision, it’s inifinity. The sound of the wave, the breeze, the view makes my whole body be at peace at least for that single moment. I breathe God’s goodness.

Although in that instant, I can feel that there’s struggle within me. My mind says one thing and my heart says the opposite. Sometimes I can’t help but feel trapped within my own self. What should I do? Hence I pour my heart into prayer:

Dear God, You know all that is in my heart without me saying it. You are the maker of all things, of all that is good and beautiful. I just want to thank You for moments of stillness and reflection. Thank You for allowing me to rest in your presence. Thank You for the life you gave me. Thank You for the endless possibility to dream and live. Thank You for the provisions: good health, work, family, friends and instilling hope. Thank You for your continued mercy and love beyond measure.

But Lord, amidst all of it, I know it's not always sunshine and rainbows. And here I am, once again, puzzled and confused. I am currently in the dilemma of trying to figure out what I want. Should I stay or should I go? The choices I have will affect all that surrounds me and I just want the assurance that everything will be fine. I lack the ability to surrender, to trust and to let You take control. And so I always ask myself, "how many times have You outdone me?" A lot of times, so why do I worry? I know deep down that You are already taking care of me. I am certain that You will never leave me at a place where I cannot push through.

I guess Lord, what I'm trying to say here is that please continue to pour out Your grace upon me that in whatever road I will be taking You will be there with me. I also ask that you give me patience when things are not going right; to give me courage and strength to endure the roadblocks and setbacks; to humble me when I feel so proud and mighty; to use me as an instrument of Your goodness to those around me; to be fearless and bold in my faith; to be loving and forgiving; and to mold me to be the child You wanted me to be. I'm scared Lord to enter to an uncertain path but as what others would tell me, how would I know if I don't give it a try? How would I know if this is part of the plan you have for me? How would I know? I wouldn't!

But honestly Lord, if everything fails, I know YOU won't. You will remain the same: faithful and true. So I end this prayer of mine, offering You my heart's desires. Let Your will be done, my God, my Savior.

Moment of Desolation

Taken at St. Joseph Church, Fullerton.

Have you ever felt like crying for no reason but you know that there’s more to it? Like a song or a flashback of memories would just bring you to memory lane as to where have you been and what is going on now. From time to time, I would go through this down moments where I would just fall into my knees and cry my heart out. I would then start asking myself the question as to, “what am I exactly doing with my life?”

I take this occasion to go deeper and reconnect with God. I always believe this is when He just knocks me over because I have been very distant and selfish with my time with Him. And yes, I am charge guilty of that. I let my current feeling of ecstasy rule me over when in fact, He is behind the reason as to why I’m in bliss.

As I look back to the different circumstances of my life, I am where I am right now because He allowed it to happen. My family, my job, my friends, the love of my life, my victories and my failures are all part of His plans. But I failed to thank him, I failed to see Him and I failed to recognize His daily presence. And now, there’s this feeling of unworthiness and shame. Now it made sense as to why I feel empty even when things are going right. I lack Jesus.

But you know what, it’s never too late to seek Him because He is relentless, He never stops loving me despite of my shortcomings. He continues to pursue me even when I am running far away from Him. He never gets tired. I am grateful for this moment of desolation for it has given me a chance to rekindle that fire that He had sparked in my heart long before time. 

P.S. If you happen to be in the same boat as I am, I want you to listen to the song, Do It Again by Elevation Worship (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B_lnQIITxU). Truly, the lyrics spoke to me and hopefully it would to you too because He has never failed me yet. ♥