I Care About You But I Care About Myself More

For the past few weeks, I have been detaching myself away from people close to me. I don't know how to describe it but I have been shutting people off my life. I have created a strong and special bond towards my family and friends, and I have been active in relating to each one of them but I guess, it just hits me that I got tired of being a help towards others.

To be honest, this has been an on and off behavior for several months. I always like to be around people of different ages. I can talk anything under the sun and can share brilliant and stupid ideas. I always look forward on weekends because I know I will be able to hang out with the people close to my heart and just enjoy being with each other. May it be some serious heart-to-heart or to non-sense-sales-talk, I can always keep up. I was a friend's crying shoulder, I have been a one text away person except for other circumstances of course. I have always been there for everyone no matter what kind of situation they are into, I always make sure that they get my support. But one day, I just decided to be numb and not to care anymore. I realized that I have been putting a lot of effort towards others and I forgot to take care of myself. I was to busy hearing others out when I have my own issues to deal with.

A part of me was not stable, I have so many doubts about myself. I can no longer find my self-confidence, I can no longer find the urge to make myself better. I am lost in this big world of mine. I was drown with my insecurities. I have been a great adviser but I cannot believe that the words that comes out from my mouth are the words that I needed most. I was busy taking care of other people's problem and I was too afraid to admit to myself that I was weak and hurting. I was too good to be true. I guess there will be moments in our life that the only person we can depend on is ourselves and I have to acknowledge that. I think I have done enough in making sure that everyone is okay, I think it is time for me to start thinking about my wants and needs. Right now, I have so many questions about where I am heading. I have unclear plans as to what do I want to happen with my life and I am the only person responsible in making all these decisions. I admit that I have taken for granted my spiritual life and that makes it much worst. But you know what. God has always been and will always be good. I know things will be in its right places in His perfect time. And as to whatever I am going through right now, it will soon shall past. 

The Biggest "Loser"

The Biggest Loser Pinoy Edition aired just this week. I was watching the program as they feature each of the contestants and shared their weight dilemmas and how it has affected their life. So many things came up to mind and I just thought of writing something about it.

Ever since I was brought out to this world, I have always been a healthy baby. I was one of the biggest kid in the class, and among with my cousins, I was also the chubby one (there are actually two of us two of us, you know who you are. Peace out!) But that was not a factor of any biases in terms of attention. I have always been loved by my family and has been accepted. When I was watching the show, there were stories about how they were judged by the society, they were mocked and even treated unfairly. And it is a sad reality of how some of these people are being questioned as to who they are. It has brought depression and trauma and even their self concept was affected too.

I am not denying that I for one experienced such bullies. When I was in high school, I was a fat girl and I have accepted that. But despite of my physical attribute, I was a graceful dancer. I was part of the Dance Society and even the Cheerleading squad. I can do cartwheel, make a split, do high jumps and even back bends. I was flexible. I participated in school programs and I danced in front of 500 students and faculty. But you know what, there's a flashback of memory that I would never ever forget. In one of our performance, I was in front at that time dancing, there were group of people that were just booing and I'm like WTH, is it me? As I looked around, it was just me who was oversized, it was just me who was odd, it was just me and no one else. And from that incident, there was a constant visit from a group of guys who keeps on following me wherever I go and starts bashing me, and they were just screaming "BABOY! BABOY! HALA GA LINOG! (PIG! PIG! IT FEELS LIKE EARTHQUAKE!) You know what, I sulk myself in shame. I was terribly upset about myself and the world. But what else can I do? But to accept the reality, that this is me. And I am not changing myself because of people who doesn't like how I look. So when I was in my senior year in highschool, I stopped joining in all of my extra curricular activities and concentrated on other things. And I decided to move on.

Looking back, it was such a painful experience but it made me realize that because of those people I am much stronger and more confident about myself. I am far beyond blessed that I have come a long way and I have been doing great in my life right now. It is not me who is a loser but those people who are close minded and judgmental. Yes! I maybe big, but I also have a big heart and mind that choses to live without stepping anybody shoes, to believe in myself that I can conquer fears and to become a better person not just for someone but for me.

So, here is my message to all those men and women who are going through these problems, don't be afraid to reveal yourself to the world. You deserve the life you have and not by what others say about you. You are not in this world to be measured by your weight, but you are here to be a voice of reality. If you think that because you are an extra pound bigger and you don't deserve any happiness in this world, think the other way. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves respect. Everyone deserves to be who they are. I am not saying that you shouldn't be trying to lose some of the extra baggages, but it is a choice that you should be making. You are beautiful and you need to love yourself more than anything else.

Say A Prayer

All things that we have comes from God. He is our ulitimate provider and our great planner. But as sinners as we are, we tend to fail Him more often and I am guilty of such actions. There are moments when I questioned God and His will, I blamed Him for the misfortunate events that had happened to me and my family, I just call upon Him when I am in dire need of personal favors and wants, I was inconsistent with my Sunday obligation and prayer times, and sometimes I would ask myself if does He really exist knowing that He allowed me to feel so much pain and let me go through hardships? But as I go deeper in my thoughts, I can't help but realize that if God is not real then why am I still here? Why do I still look forward to the beautiful morning that awakes me? Why am I still with the people who matters most? Why am I still enjoying the luxury of this borrowed life? Why?

The answer is, God loves us and no matter how many times we hurt Him, how many times we ran away from Him and how many times we deny Him, He will always accept us.

And for that I just want to say a prayer to our God almighty who means everything in this world:

"Father God, I just want to take this chance to thank you for all the wonderful blessings you have showered upon me. You have always been there for me in times of troubles, and you never failed to save me from my miseries. Thank you for the beautiful creation that you have allowed me to enjoy, the natural wonders and the serenity of the surroundings around me. Thank you for my safe travels, for keeping me safe in my whereabouts. Thank you for the gift of family, that through them I am inspired to become a good daughter and sibling. Thank you Lord for the people that I met, for they have imparted in me life experiences that I can draw lessons from. I would also would like to thank you for the job that I have right now, for providing my means and for your everyday miracles. Thank you Lord for bringing me in this world, for helping me become a better version of myself every single day.

Despite of all your graces you have given me Lord, I know that I have hurt you at times. I have doubted your plans for me. I would also like to ask forgiveness to those people whom I have hurt in actions and in words, that I may have overstep my boundaries. I am truly sorry for all my shortcomings.

God, I know that I cannot do anything without you. I entrust to you all my heart's desire, that in time you would fulfill it in your perfect time. I ask you to continue to bless all the people that are dear to me, be with them in their daily endeavors and that they may always remember that you are God and in You everything is possible. Please give us a healthy mind and body as we battle towards the real world. Lord, I will claim your promise that you will not forsake us; that you would provide us with everything we need. I also ask from you Father God, that you may give me love, peace, understanding and harmony within myself and towards other people around me. All this things Lord, in Your mighty name, together with the divine intervention of Mary. Amen."

Whatever is happening in your life right now, may it be in pure bliss or confusion, offer a prayer to Him and surely things will be all right. Let us continue to be a great reminder to others that God is always there whoever you are and wherever you'll be. May God be praised! :)