Trusting God: Should I Stay or Go?

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders; Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me; Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour”

As I look into the ocean, all I can ever think of is how vast God’s love for me. It’s beyond the peripheral of my vision, it’s inifinity. The sound of the wave, the breeze, the view makes my whole body be at peace at least for that single moment. I breathe God’s goodness.

Although in that instant, I can feel that there’s struggle within me. My mind says one thing and my heart says the opposite. Sometimes I can’t help but feel trapped within my own self. What should I do? Hence I pour my heart into prayer:

Dear God, You know all that is in my heart without me saying it. You are the maker of all things, of all that is good and beautiful. I just want to thank You for moments of stillness and reflection. Thank You for allowing me to rest in your presence. Thank You for the life you gave me. Thank You for the endless possibility to dream and live. Thank You for the provisions: good health, work, family, friends and instilling hope. Thank You for your continued mercy and love beyond measure.

But Lord, amidst all of it, I know it's not always sunshine and rainbows. And here I am, once again, puzzled and confused. I am currently in the dilemma of trying to figure out what I want. Should I stay or should I go? The choices I have will affect all that surrounds me and I just want the assurance that everything will be fine. I lack the ability to surrender, to trust and to let You take control. And so I always ask myself, "how many times have You outdone me?" A lot of times, so why do I worry? I know deep down that You are already taking care of me. I am certain that You will never leave me at a place where I cannot push through.

I guess Lord, what I'm trying to say here is that please continue to pour out Your grace upon me that in whatever road I will be taking You will be there with me. I also ask that you give me patience when things are not going right; to give me courage and strength to endure the roadblocks and setbacks; to humble me when I feel so proud and mighty; to use me as an instrument of Your goodness to those around me; to be fearless and bold in my faith; to be loving and forgiving; and to mold me to be the child You wanted me to be. I'm scared Lord to enter to an uncertain path but as what others would tell me, how would I know if I don't give it a try? How would I know if this is part of the plan you have for me? How would I know? I wouldn't!

But honestly Lord, if everything fails, I know YOU won't. You will remain the same: faithful and true. So I end this prayer of mine, offering You my heart's desires. Let Your will be done, my God, my Savior.

Moment of Desolation

Taken at St. Joseph Church, Fullerton.

Have you ever felt like crying for no reason but you know that there’s more to it? Like a song or a flashback of memories would just bring you to memory lane as to where have you been and what is going on now. From time to time, I would go through this down moments where I would just fall into my knees and cry my heart out. I would then start asking myself the question as to, “what am I exactly doing with my life?”

I take this occasion to go deeper and reconnect with God. I always believe this is when He just knocks me over because I have been very distant and selfish with my time with Him. And yes, I am charge guilty of that. I let my current feeling of ecstasy rule me over when in fact, He is behind the reason as to why I’m in bliss.

As I look back to the different circumstances of my life, I am where I am right now because He allowed it to happen. My family, my job, my friends, the love of my life, my victories and my failures are all part of His plans. But I failed to thank him, I failed to see Him and I failed to recognize His daily presence. And now, there’s this feeling of unworthiness and shame. Now it made sense as to why I feel empty even when things are going right. I lack Jesus.

But you know what, it’s never too late to seek Him because He is relentless, He never stops loving me despite of my shortcomings. He continues to pursue me even when I am running far away from Him. He never gets tired. I am grateful for this moment of desolation for it has given me a chance to rekindle that fire that He had sparked in my heart long before time. 

P.S. If you happen to be in the same boat as I am, I want you to listen to the song, Do It Again by Elevation Worship (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B_lnQIITxU). Truly, the lyrics spoke to me and hopefully it would to you too because He has never failed me yet. ♥

Grace Always Enter Our Wounds

For the past 2 years, I kept on asking God when will the pain stop? It was break-up after break-up. From failed relationships to hopeless life goals. I am so tired and sick of it. I think life has taken so much from me. 

But truth to be told, I am still here-- moving forward, fighting hard. And all of these are part of His plan.

So what are my take-aways from this experience?

Pain is inevitable. It's already part of life. No matter who you are, no one is excepted. I think what matters in this process is acknowledging the hardship you're going through. I guess that was my mistake. I tried to band aid the wounds because I just want a quick fix. But it didn't help because it just stayed as an open cut. I wished I could have cared more in taking care of the scab and allowed it to heal on its own. And now I am left with scars but it is an indication to where I've been.

Humility. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you're going through some gruesome experiences. I for one is known to be a strong soul, a lot of people draw courage from me and I have to be that person that they can depend on. But really, who do I run to if I need some tending? God. Only Him. Because as I humble myself and reveal my weakness, God actually pours out His grace in turning sorrows to joys. And indeed, He reminded me that our strength is made perfect in our weakness.

Solitude. You need to find yourself. I needed to heal. There's a difference between being lonely and the idea of being alone. I wanted to be by myself because I needed to be connected with me once again. I have lived by with JOY in my life (Jesus first; Others next; Yourself last). But what I failed to recognized is the fact that I have taken myself for granted, I have considered others first. I have given so much that I ended up not have anything to give anymore. So right now, I am relearning to embrace my individuality because loving yourself is the greatest revolution.

It's okay if you're not okay yet. Healing doesn't take place overnight, it's a slow process of recovery. Some people cannot understand why you have to distance yourself from your regular routine, why the "space" but what they don't realize is that every single day you are reminded of the little things, the familiar faces, the unexpected circumstances and most of all, they are not in my shoes. No matter how I tried to just moved on or just make a wish for it to just end, it will never be easy. Slowly and surely? Definitely.

Let go and let GOD. It's hard to throw away the things that mattered because they have been very valuable to my core. The experience, the friendship, the memories, etc... But I believe it's time to start in letting go of things that was damaged and just let God do the fixing. I was too busy trying to patch things up but as what the always say, time heals all wounds. It's about time that I need God to take control because He ultimately knows what's best even if it means I have to go through the eye of a needle.

So therefore, our life consists of different twists and turns and the most important thing is that we just keep on getting back up and continue living. Our fate would not always be in our favor but one thing is definitely sure, God would never give us more than we cannot handle. Take heart! ♥