Moment of Desolation

Taken at St. Joseph Church, Fullerton.

Have you ever felt like crying for no reason but you know that there’s more to it? Like a song or a flashback of memories would just bring you to memory lane as to where have you been and what is going on now. From time to time, I would go through this down moments where I would just fall into my knees and cry my heart out. I would then start asking myself the question as to, “what am I exactly doing with my life?”

I take this occasion to go deeper and reconnect with God. I always believe this is when He just knocks me over because I have been very distant and selfish with my time with Him. And yes, I am charge guilty of that. I let my current feeling of ecstasy rule me over when in fact, He is behind the reason as to why I’m in bliss.

As I look back to the different circumstances of my life, I am where I am right now because He allowed it to happen. My family, my job, my friends, the love of my life, my victories and my failures are all part of His plans. But I failed to thank him, I failed to see Him and I failed to recognize His daily presence. And now, there’s this feeling of unworthiness and shame. Now it made sense as to why I feel empty even when things are going right. I lack Jesus.

But you know what, it’s never too late to seek Him because He is relentless, He never stops loving me despite of my shortcomings. He continues to pursue me even when I am running far away from Him. He never gets tired. I am grateful for this moment of desolation for it has given me a chance to rekindle that fire that He had sparked in my heart long before time. 

P.S. If you happen to be in the same boat as I am, I want you to listen to the song, Do It Again by Elevation Worship (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B_lnQIITxU). Truly, the lyrics spoke to me and hopefully it would to you too because He has never failed me yet. ♥

Grace Always Enter Our Wounds

For the past 2 years, I kept on asking God when will the pain stop? It was break-up after break-up. From failed relationships to hopeless life goals. I am so tired and sick of it. I think life has taken so much from me. 

But truth to be told, I am still here-- moving forward, fighting hard. And all of these are part of His plan.

So what are my take-aways from this experience?

Pain is inevitable. It's already part of life. No matter who you are, no one is excepted. I think what matters in this process is acknowledging the hardship you're going through. I guess that was my mistake. I tried to band aid the wounds because I just want a quick fix. But it didn't help because it just stayed as an open cut. I wished I could have cared more in taking care of the scab and allowed it to heal on its own. And now I am left with scars but it is an indication to where I've been.

Humility. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you're going through some gruesome experiences. I for one is known to be a strong soul, a lot of people draw courage from me and I have to be that person that they can depend on. But really, who do I run to if I need some tending? God. Only Him. Because as I humble myself and reveal my weakness, God actually pours out His grace in turning sorrows to joys. And indeed, He reminded me that our strength is made perfect in our weakness.

Solitude. You need to find yourself. I needed to heal. There's a difference between being lonely and the idea of being alone. I wanted to be by myself because I needed to be connected with me once again. I have lived by with JOY in my life (Jesus first; Others next; Yourself last). But what I failed to recognized is the fact that I have taken myself for granted, I have considered others first. I have given so much that I ended up not have anything to give anymore. So right now, I am relearning to embrace my individuality because loving yourself is the greatest revolution.

It's okay if you're not okay yet. Healing doesn't take place overnight, it's a slow process of recovery. Some people cannot understand why you have to distance yourself from your regular routine, why the "space" but what they don't realize is that every single day you are reminded of the little things, the familiar faces, the unexpected circumstances and most of all, they are not in my shoes. No matter how I tried to just moved on or just make a wish for it to just end, it will never be easy. Slowly and surely? Definitely.

Let go and let GOD. It's hard to throw away the things that mattered because they have been very valuable to my core. The experience, the friendship, the memories, etc... But I believe it's time to start in letting go of things that was damaged and just let God do the fixing. I was too busy trying to patch things up but as what the always say, time heals all wounds. It's about time that I need God to take control because He ultimately knows what's best even if it means I have to go through the eye of a needle.

So therefore, our life consists of different twists and turns and the most important thing is that we just keep on getting back up and continue living. Our fate would not always be in our favor but one thing is definitely sure, God would never give us more than we cannot handle. Take heart! ♥

breakups to BREAKTHROUGHS

Hello 2016!

I am welcoming you with high hopes that this year will be better. I said to myself that this will be the time where I will be making bolder choices in my life, exploring different possibilities and to embrace myself with God's pure love. 

The past year was tough. I went through different kinds of storm in my personal life. No matter how prepared I was, I wasn't exempted. I had to go through all of it and experience hassles, pains and sufferings. But going back to those moments, I said to myself, "This too shall past!" And yes, it did because I am still here and every single day I'm striving to become better.

I quit my job, April of 2015. It was a very hard decision but I have to do it because I wasn't happy anymore. I have learned from the past the it is important to put your self-sanity in the equation of your work because if I kept going and I was feeling miserable about it, I will be unfair to the people I was working with. I didn't find my purpose in the teaching field. Due to the many changes of the educational system, I felt like an odd rose sitting in the bunch of sunflowers. Of course that transition wasn't easy because it has affected my finances. But honestly, at that point I offered it all to God and I made a promise that from that day forward, I will be going to daily mass because I don't have any excuse not to go since I have the luxury of time.

Every single day, God unveils to me His message and that it to trust Him. Being jobless gave me a chance to reflect on what is happening in my life, and He pointed out to me that the state of my heart wasn't doing well too. God is funny like that, He would take everything from you because I think that is when we would experience our true selves. No doubt, my heart got broken and torn into little pieces. I didn't blame God neither my partner because I know that is what He wants from me, to experience this kind of break-up so that I will have the chance to breakthrough with HIM. 

My heart, my mind and my soul rests upon God and even if I am starting this year, healing, I know in His perfect time, I would experience that ultimate joy that I deserve. No hurt feelings, no negative thoughts only learning from the past I will carry with me. And if 2015 was stormy, 2016 will be a whirlwind of adventure. 

"We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of our Father's love for us. " -Divine Mercy